


Tsukuri warai wo tsudzuketeru (I keep faking smiles)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Confrontations, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 18:27:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14721317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: He had often heard people telling him he was lucky for not having any tie, for not needing them. Lucky, for that lie that he had kept telling his whole life.





	Tsukuri warai wo tsudzuketeru (I keep faking smiles)

Kei had always kept his distance from everything that could’ve caused him problems, in the misguided conception that he could’ve spent his whole life avoiding any kind of suffering.

He had been wrong.

He had tried, he had.

But in the end he had had to pay the price for all that he had denied himself during the years, and the debt with himself had been cruel.

Of all the lies he had told himself, the one making feel its presence the most, was him saying he was never going to fall in love.

Thinking about it, he couldn’t help but feeling a sharp pain in his chest.

He had had to look at himself in the mirror and admit that he was just as pathetic as the rest of them.

He didn’t know when it had happened, nor how long it had been.

He hadn't labelled it as love straight away, he had shielded himself behind pointless excuses, behind justifications he found for himself every day, but he hadn't been able to keep believing those lies for a very long time.

He loved Yuya.

He loved him, quietly and from afar and, from afar, he suffered.

Because his love wasn’t reciprocated and it was never going to be, he was sure of that.

Takaki was happy with Hikaru, he had always been.

Since they had met, he had always seen the elder eating out of Yaotome’s hand, gravitating around him as if there was some magnetic force attracting him.

When he had told Kei they were together, the elder hadn't been surprised. And, at the time, he hadn't been sorry about it either.

Not that he was now.

Not that he wished for them to break up. He didn’t want to see Yuya suffer. He wanted nothing more than to see him happy, even though it wasn’t with him.

He just wanted... maybe put an end to those feelings, pretend they weren’t there, ignore them to the point of making them a memory one day he could’ve laughed about.

But every single time that, distractedly, Yuya’s hand was on him, every time he talked to him, every time he smiled to him, he couldn’t help but feel his heartbeat getting faster, disgusted by himself for how such little things could have that effect on him.

It was weighing on him.

It weighed on him looking at Hikaru, one of his best friends, while at the same time he thought about what he felt for his boyfriend, the one he had been with for years, with which he planned to spend the rest of his life.

And it weighed even more on him having failed in his purpose of going through life unscathed, without giving his heart to anybody, trying to protect himself.

He had often heard people telling him he was lucky for not having any tie, for not needing them. Lucky, for that lie that he had kept telling his whole life.

They said he was free, and none of them was sincere.

Because he read the pity in their eyes, he read the looks of those thinking one could only be happy when he had someone to love.

After all, he had someone to love.

What he really couldn’t see, was where happiness laid.

 

~

 

That day, he had been feeling particularly down.

He had woken up in a bad mood already, after a night spent being chased by shapeless nightmares, which had prevented him from resting as he would've needed.

The night before, he had reached a turning point.

He knew it was going to happen, one way or the other.

He knew that tension would've become too much, and that he wasn’t going to take it.

In the end, the bubble had burst.

They were shooting for their new PV, and he had to wait a long time for his turn.

So, he had gone looking for Yuya.

He always that his choice was forced, as if there was no one else to kill time with.

That time, apparently, he hadn't been too good at lying.

He had been with the elder for a while, when he had realized that something was off.

Yuya was nervous, tense.

And his instinct told him that it would've been better for him to leave, before things would've taken a bad turn.

He didn’t listen to it.

Once learnt to hurt himself, he had discovered, stopping was hard.

It wasn’t usual for Yuya to be like that, but experience told him that under those circumstances he shouldn’t have been teased.

So he had just sat next to him, settling for having him close. He had gotten used to that too.

They had kept quiet for a few minutes, until he had realized that the other was just going to keep ignoring him.

He was about to risk it and ask him what was wrong, when Yuya had finally looked at him, an eyebrow raised.

_“What do you want, Kei?”_

His voice, even hours later, echoed in Kei’s mind.

It was cold, so much that he felt a little pleasant shiver down his spine.

It was detached, as if he couldn’t care less about him, as if he could afford to talk to him like that, because his reaction didn’t matter.

The discomfort he had felt then had likely been too much, but he hadn't been able to stop the sudden sadness that had taken him right then.

He had looked at him for a moment, then he had gotten up and had left the room, in a hurry, as if there he couldn’t find enough air to breathe.

He hadn't been expecting for the elder to follow him, to apologize for the way he had talked to him.

But, even though he hadn't, he couldn’t deny he had hoped for it.

He had closed himself up inside a room momentarily unused, and there he had burst out crying.

He couldn’t take it anymore.

Since he had realized he was in love with Yuya, since he had admitted to himself that all he could do was look at him from afar, he had never cried.

He had wanted to try and keep what little dignity he still had left, while in that moment he had felt like even that last barrier had crumbled down.

When he had heard the door open he had held his breath, full of expectation and, perhaps, a little scared.

When he had seen Hikaru walk in, the expectation had disappeared.

The fear had stayed.

 

_“Kei... can I talk to you for a moment?” the younger asked, his expression completely at ease._

_Kei looked at him diffident, but then he nodded._

_If he had to sink, he wanted it to be as soon as possible._

_“What is it?” he asked, seeing the other staring at him._

_“Why are you crying?” Hikaru asked, his voice sounding sincerely concerned._

_“Nothing. I’m just nervous, but it’s over already.” he replied hurriedly, brushing the back of his hand on his face to dry the tears._

_The other sighed, leaning against the wall, his eyes still on him._

_“I’m sure Yuuyan didn’t mean to talk to you like that. He’s nervous because of me.” he said, and Kei felt like the room’s walls were closing in on him._

_“I... I’m not mad, Hikka. Really.” he replied, trying to look as convincing as possible._

_“Kei.” the other said, a sad smile on his face. “There’s no need to pretend, not with me. I know I’m in a relationship with Yuya, but before being his boyfriend I’m your friend, am I not?”_

_The elder thought he didn’t have enough air to answer, and so he just nodded._

_“I know what’s going through your mind, Kei-chan. I know how you feel. I...” he paused, frowning. “I know you’re in love with Yuya.” he murmured in the end, without adding anything else._

_And Kei thought he had never felt so much like running away during his whole life._

_He wanted to escape, without turning back, without looking behind his shoulders, without stopping._

_He had spent his years trying to avoid feeling that way, with his back to the wall, lacking a way out, and now that Hikaru was forcing him to take on that subject he felt sick._

_“Hikka... I’ve never thought... it wasn’t my intention to...” he started to say, but the other stopped him._

_“I don’t want you to justify yourself. I’ve thought about this, believe me, and I’ve reached the conclusion that if you would've  wanted to do something, if you would've  wanted to take him away from me, you would've.” he got closer, resting his hand on his arm. “I know you love me, Kei, I know you would never hurt me and I know how much pain you’re in.” he reassured him, then he smiled. “Last night Yuya and I have fought about it. I’ve tried to tell him that you may... well, be feeling something for him.” the smile disappeared for a moment, but it was back on soon. “Useless to say that he’s taken me for a madman. And I’m sorry I’ve been the one to tell him, even though he didn’t believe me. I shouldn’t have done that, it’s not fair, but... I didn’t know what to do, it’s not easy on any of us.” he said, biting his lip and waiting for the elder to say something._

_Kei, on his part, had kept staring at Hikaru, confused._

_He didn’t understand how could he talk about it like this, as if it was something natural._

_He didn’t know whether he feared that reaction or he respected it._

_“You’re right.” he said, slowly. “I’ve never wanted to take him away from you, or to hurt you. I’ve never wanted to do anything at all. I know he loves you, so it would be kind of pointless to try anything when I know the response already.”_

_Hikaru nodded, as to say he understood, that he had thought about it too._

_“He loves me.” he murmured, without looking him in the eyes. When he did that again, Kei saw him serious like he had never seen him before. “Maybe you’re right. But... I think you should tell him, Kei. I think you should tell him you love him, that you should tell him how you feel about him. That you should take it off your chest and give him a chance to choose.” he sighed, and the other could only imagine how much it costed him to say those words. “You don’t have to do it for me or for him. But you owe it to yourself, Kei.”_

You owe it to yourself, Kei.

Those words echoed through his mind, he repeated them over and over.

And the night before, with those in mind, he had sent Yuya an e-mail, asking him to come over next morning.

Now he was waiting for him, and he thought he should’ve felt nervous, anxious, but he wasn’t.

He felt nothing at all, and he didn’t know why.

Just that bad mood, and the feeling of being about to lose something, without knowing what.

When he heard the doorbell he went to the door with no hesitation.

Yuya looked even more beautiful than usual, but he didn’t linger on that kind of thoughts.

He would've done what he had to, because he owed it to himself.

He would've done that, because after having shown the courage to talk to him about it, he felt he owed it to Hikaru too.

He thought he would've liked to ask him about the reason for his words, apparently so out of context seen his role in the whole thing, but perhaps he got that a little.

In his place, he wished he could’ve been able to risk his love too, to put it to the test, to know if he truly was capable of making the person next to him completely happy, without him needing to look for that happiness elsewhere.

Smiling to Yuya, he let him in.

He was going to do it, because if it truly was the moment for surrender and defeat, the only thing he could allow himself was to do it while keeping his head held high.

 

~

 

When he went to bed that night, he felt empty.

There was something missing inside of him, that weight he had worn on his heart had disappeared.

It had left a chasm in its place, and Kei knew that filling it was not going to be easy.

But he had tried, and while he talked to Yuya he had had to admit Hikaru had been right, it was the right thing to do.

He didn’t even wonder why the right thing had to hurt so much because he knew there was no answer to that, and he didn’t want to keep torturing himself.

After all, he was pathetic like all the others, like all those who dared to love and from that loved got defeated.

He rested his head on the pillow, and before falling asleep he made a promise to himself.

He was never going to love again.

That lie, sat right with him.


End file.
